The Blanket

The Blanket:

Creeping, crawling, inching, dancing,

All under the blanket

Poking, prodding, stroking, needing,

All under the blanket

Pulling, pushing, tugging, pleading,

All under the blanket

In clock of darkness,

Fingers creep,

Enshrouding the darkness,

Someone screams,

Skin is bare,

Is tickles right there,

All under the blanket.

Naughty, mischievous coy, sublime,

Under the blanket, fingers they climb,

Delicate ballet, nimble they dance,

Under the blanket, hands do prance.

Tossing, turning, shifting, too,

So many legs, hands know what to do,

Up and down, in crevice and over mound,

Under the blanket, secrets are found.

So under the blanket,

Legs still squirm,

Throbbing chests,

Something else is firm,

If you think so much action and it’s not even night,

Just wait five minutes till they turn off the light.

The Test

Here is a little test that you can take by yourself or with somebody. It’s easy to do and the points are simple. Just add to your score a point for each correct answer. For a wrong answer don’t add a point. Remember to call on the keys of heavenly thought power. Have fun, give it a go.

1. Your child wines and cries and throws a fit when you turn of the TV and say it’s time for bed. What should you do?

1. Give in and put on the second DVD of the “Return of the Hairy Octopus.”
2. Yell at your kid, and threaten to spank him senseless if he doesn’t do what you say.
3. Give a sigh of despair, and walk out leaving your child master to his own fate, while trying to remember where you put the Valium
4. Gently, yet firmly tell your child that if he gets in bed without crying that you will cuddle with him and read him a chapter of the new Heaven’s Library book

2. You can’t get your JETT out of bed in the morning each and every morning just when you walk into his or her room, your JETT falls into a heavy comma. What should you do?

1. Throw a bucket of ice-cold water at him
2. Beat him with the nearest whicker chair that you can find
3. Have a meeting and propose that if your child doesn’t wake up on time that you will dock him a half-hour off his bed time.

3. Your child comes to you and says that since it’s his free-day and he prayed about it at devotions and he did check with the home managers, would be alright if he went witnessing with the outreachers?

1. Yell at him! And shout that since he made the whole thing up he will spend the whole day in the coalhouse
2. Ignore him and continue to work on your computer
3. Ask him if he would like to play the nest version of ‘Shrimps on Vicodin’.
4. Tell him that that is a great idea and see if the two of you can team up with any of the outreach teams that day

4. Your JT/TNs won’t stop fighting and bickering amongst themselves. How would you go about to stop it?

1. Whip them without mercy.
2. Have a word study with them on auguring and afterwards discuss how together you can curb this problem
3. Sell them to the landlord for free rent for six months
4. Tar and feather them

5. Your child is way too addicted to his computer and will do anything, and I mean anything even eat a bowl full of boiled eggplant to get more time on the computer, how should you handle the situation?

1. Come up with more exciting ways that he can spend his time and put work, prayer and effort into making those times meaningful yet fun. Get the help and backing of the home as well
2. Show him the new definition of the word ‘Head banging”
3. Take a sledge hammer to the computer
4. Tell him that it’s either him or the computer that gets defenestrated* (*thrown out a window)

6. Your TN has a problem with bad language. What should you do?
1. Wash his mouth out with a mixture of turpentine and bleach
2. Yell at him and tell him to keep his god damn mouth shut.
3. Tell him that bad language is not tolerated in the Word and in the Family, Come up with a punishment system that is fair and that he will abide by.
4. Shrug it off and blame Timothy Leery

7. Your child loves to read Heaven’s Library books…there is just one problem. She can’t read.

1. Cuddle up in a nice warm blanket with some hot chocolate and read stories to her.
2. Dump her in front of High5
3. Throw a plastic book at her hoping that it will pacify her.
4. Bribe your older kid with some extra computer time later, if he reads to her.
7. Your TN is feeling bored and unchallenged and he doesn’t carry his weight around the home. How can you light his fire and make him the needed pillar that he could be?
1. Threaten that if he doesn’t clean up his act that you will pawn him off to the local gypsy freak circus.
2. See if you can slow down on some of your own projects and begin to really teach and train the JT/TN in areas that he or she could really become a blessing
3. Ignore the problem because as long as there is not big confrontation, you will continue to get funds from your government.
4. Nag him or her continually to stop be so lazy, get irate and throw a couple of porcelain dishes at your child while muttering curse words in French under your breath so that he can’t hear or understand you.

9. Your JT/TN loves to clean up around the house. He/she is always found washing the dumped dishes, looking after the younger children and cleaning up the clutter that lies around the house. How should you handle this delicate situation?

Is that really a problem???? For God’s sake keep him or her and use them to their highest potential while at the same keeping their lives happy and interesting.

!0. Your child has a problem with talking back, no matter what you say he/she will always have a smart answer to say. How should you correct the problem?

a. Tell your child that if they keep their mouths open a second longer that you will call Dr. Korvorkian at the next possible moment.

b. Each time you hear a smart remark take a frying pan to their face until you can audible hear their teeth rattle.

c. Have desperate prayer for your child and call upon all the available spirit helpers. Have heart to heart talks with him and help teach the child to gain control over his or her tongue.

d. Carry two socks crunched up in a ball and each time your JT/TN opens their mouth shove it in good and tight.

Good you have completed your test now it’s time to grade you.

1. D
2. C
3. D
4. B
5. A
6. C
7. A
8. B
9. Was there ever a problem?
10. C

8-10 Points: GBY keep up the good work

6-8 Points: You are doing pretty good but have a few areas you need to work on

3-6 points: Um…Well…how did you ever manage to become a parent, or shepherd?

0-3 Points: (In broken English) Do…you…know…Jesus?

Well God bless you all. We hope that this test can help you improve in your weak areas, and if you were a little sloppy take the test in another month or two and then smile with glee as you can see how much progress that you made.

The Story of Trenton Biggs....Part 1

The story of Trenton Biggs:

Part 1

There once was a man

He was very good

This man was Trenton Biggs

Can you see Trenton Biggs?

No

You can not see him because there are no pictures

If you like this story maybe we can add pictures

New words: Pictures, Trenton Biggs, Because

Trenton is walking down the street

Can you see Trenton walking down the street?

Of course not, because he lives far away from where you live

Trenton lives far away that is why he walks

New words: Walking, Course, Street

Trenton is inside a café

The café serves coffee and tea

Trenton goes to the café for coffee and tea

Coffee and tea are nice

New words: Café, Coffee, Tea

Do you see the waitress?

No? Pretend to see a waitress dummy

New words: Waitress, Pretend, Dummy

The waitress is very pretty

Trenton likes the waitress

I like the waitress

Trenton you and I like the waitress

New words: Pretty

The waitress’s name is Molly

She is very beautiful

She also likes Trenton,

But does not know that Trenton likes her back

She serves Trenton extra coffee, and doubles the cream in his cup

But she doesn’t tell Trenton that she likes him

Molly is shy

New words: Molly, Beautiful, Extra, Double, Cream, Shy

See Trenton drinking his coffee,

He does not see,

That another man has entered the café

How is he supposed to know that the man has a gun under his coat

New Words: Another, Entered, Supposed, Gun, Coat

The man with the gun is bad

Bad men carry guns

He wants money from Molly

The bad man talks very loud

No new words:

Trenton sees the bad man point the gun at Molly

Trenton is upset

He does not like people pointing guns at Molly

He gets up to help Molly

Lucky for Trenton, the bad man doesn’t see him coming

You don’t see Trenton coming (there are no pictures)

The bad man, you and I don’t see Trenton coming

Unlucky for the bad man.

Why?

Trenton knows Kung Fu

New words: Upset, Lucky, Unlucky, Kung Fu

Trenton taps the bad man on the shoulder,

Then he punches him in the face

“Ouch” says the bad man

“Ouch” says Molly

“Ouch” say the customers in the café

“Bastard” says Trenton.

New words: Taps, Punches, Ouch, Customers, Bastard

The bad man falls to the floor

He did not see that punch coming

He hits his head on the corner of a table

After he falls, he lies very very still

Let’s hope that Treaton did not break the bad man’s neck

Trenton could go to prison for a very long time if he broke the man’s neck

Trenton could go to prison for being good. Poor Trenton.

New Words: Corner, Still, Break, Broke, Prison

Molly calls the police

She tells them all what Trenton did

The police arrive 1 hour later

Both Molly and Trenton are tired waiting for the police

By now the bad man wakes up, Trenton did not break his neck

Just in case he tries to fuck up again, Trenton hits him one more time

The bad man lies still yet again.

New words: Police, arrive, tired, fuck

While Molly and Trenton are waiting for the police

They have time to talk

Molly thanks Trenton for saving her and the café

The customers thank Trenton for saving the café,

If either you or I were there, we’d thank Trenton for saving the café

New words: Saving, Either

See the police?

They have covered the café with yellow ribbon

It means that no one can enter or leave until the yellow ribbon is gone

“Lucky you didn’t break his neck” says a policeman

“If you did, you would have to go to prison.”

Molly and Trenton are glad that the bad man’s neck wasn’t broken

The bad man is also glad that his neck isn’t broken

New words: Covered, Yellow, Ribbon, Enter

The police now thank Trenton for almost breaking the bad man’s neck

The man whose neck Trenton had almost broke was a very dangerous man

The police were afraid of the bad man

The bad man had done many bad things in his life and hurt many good people

New words: Almost, Dangerous, Afraid, Life

It is a long time before Trenton can leave the café,

Before he leaves, Molly gives her number to Trenton

They are planning to have dinner together tonight

Trenton and Molly are now good friends.

New words: Number, Planning, Friends

As the police drive away to take the bad man to prison

The bad man does what Trenton should have done to him

The bad man breaks the neck of the police man and steals the car

He is very bad for breaking the police’s man neck and stealing cars

He is very bad,

Molly doesn’t like him,

Trenton doesn’t like him

The police man used to not like him

The bad man’s mother does not like him at all

New words: Breaking, Mother

Trenton is standing in front of a mirror

He is taking Molly out to dinner

He is happy

Molly is happy

Molly and Trenton are happy

New words: Mirror, Happy

Trenton and Molly are at a fancy restaurant

It is a place where they serve normal food for twice the price

Do you know why the food is twice the price?

Everything is written in French

New Words: Fancy, Restaurant, Normal, price, French

After the dinner Trenton takes Molly out to the cinema

They are watching a film.

It is about a man who is a hero

He saves a café from getting robbed, but is hurt

He goes to the hospital where doctors make him feel better

A cute waitress visits him in the hospital

During her visit, she makes him feel a whole lot better than doctors ever did

She kisses him in the hospital

But a smile on the man’s face shows that she did more than just kiss him

New words: Cinema, Hero, Hospital, Doctors, Kisses

Half way though the movie

Molly puts her arm around Trenton

She is glad that Trenton took her out to the cinema

The film was the same story of what happened today

“This film is just the same of what happened earlier today” she says to him

“Do you think we are going to have sex, like they do?”

“I don’t know, I think we need to learn more words before we can do that”

New words: Happened, Earlier, Sex, Learn

Molly is upset

She wants to show Trenton love

But she can’t

Cause she lacks the needed vocabulary

Then she gets an idea

“What if we do things that we already know?”

“I’m sure that’s allowed, what do you know?”

“I know the word kiss.”

New words: Love, Lacks Vocabulary, Idea

Molly kisses Trenton

Trenton kissed Molly

They kissed each

Both Molly and Trenton kissed.

Unfortunately for the both of them, that is all they did

New words: Unfortunately

The movie was over, and Molly wanted to say out with Trenton all night

“Trenton darling, can we please go to a book store?”

“A book store, you want to go to a book store?”

“Oh yes please, I really want to go to a book?”

“I just remembered that I have to pick of something of great importance

New words: Darling, Bookstore, remembered, importance

As they went to the bookstore, Trenton was curious

Why would Molly want in a bookstore?

Should they be like...going to a pharmacy?

Trenton thought to himself

New words: Curious, Pharmacy

Molly was happy to go to the bookstore

The bookstore has lots of books

Can you see all the books?

I know you can’t, but Molly can

No new words

Molly knows what she wants

She buys a book

She puts the book carefully inside her bag

She does not let Trenton see the book

New words: Inside carefully

Molly asks Trenton back to her place

Trenton and Molly go home

They sit on the couch and talk

“What did you buy at the bookstore?” he asks her

“I bought a dictionary, that way I we can have all the sex we want without worrying about the readers.”

New words: Couch, Dictionary Worrying, Readers

Trenton is worried,

Trenton does not understand

It’s ok Trenton, we understand

“We will start simple, and maybe later, make things a little complicated” says Molly

Trenton heaves a sigh of relief, he likes that plan.

New words: Worried, Understand, Complicated, Relief

Molly takes of her shirt,

Molly takes off her pants,

Molly takes off her shirt and her pants

Now Molly is left with only her bra and panties.

New words: Bra, Panties

Trenton likes what he sees

He likes Molly in only her bra and panties

Do you like Molly in her bra and panties?

I know you like Molly in her bra and panties (pervert)

Even though Trenton likes the bra and panties, he would like Molly better if the bra and panties were lying on the floor.

New words: Pervert

“You are very pretty” Trenton says to Molly

“I like you very much. Should I take off my clothes too?”

“No don’t! I want to take them off for you” says Molly

Molly helps Trenton take off his clothes,

Now Trenton is naked, but he doesn’t mind,

“How come I am naked and you aren’t?” questions Trenton

“Don’t worry, I will be naked very soon” she says to him

New words: Naked

Trenton sits on the couch,

Molly sits on his lap

Molly can’t sit so well,

There is something in between Trenton and Molly

Molly smiles; she wants what is between her and Trenton

New words: Couch, Between

Molly takes off her bra,

Molly takes off her panties.

Trenton smiles, he likes Molly a lot better now

They kiss, and kiss again.

If I told you how many times they kissed you would be bored and go to sleep

So I won’t

But they kiss a lot.

New words: Bored

Molly is ready,

Molly is wet

Molly wants to have Trenton the way the stewardess in the movie wanted her man

Trenton is ready

Trenton is hard

Trenton wants to put his penis inside Molly’s wet pussy

New words: Penis, Pussy

Molly does not want Trenton’s penis inside her just yet

She gets off her lap and onto her knees

She smiles at Trenton

Trenton smiles at her

Trenton and Molly smile at each other

No new words:

Molly opens her mouth and puts Trenton’s hard penis inside

She likes the taste

Trenton likes her tasting

Both Molly and Trenton like what they are doing

Now Molly is ready

She wants Trenton’s hard penis inside her.

New words: Tasting

Molly puts Trenton’s penis inside her

Trenton goes in

Trenton goes out

Trenton goes in and out

Molly goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”

Trenton goes up

Trenton goes down

Trenton goes up and down

Molly goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”

No new words:

Molly says “Oh, Oh, Oh” a lot

For about three hours.

Trenton is ready, “OOOHHHHHH”

Trenton ejaculates inside of Molly’s mouth

Trenton is tired after three hours

Molly is completely satisfied

Trenton is satisfied

Both Molly and Trenton are satisfied

Trenton falls asleep

New words: Ejaculates, Completely, Satisfied

A noise wakes Trenton up from his sleep

A bad man broke into his house,

He puts Molly under the bed, and tells her to stay

Molly is scared and upset

Why is Molly scared and upset?

She wants to have more sex with Trenton.

No new words: Scared, Upset

Trenton spies that bad man with the gun

It is the same bad man that robbed the store

Trenton goes to fight the bad man

The bad man sees Trenton and shoots him in the belly

But not before Trenton throws him down the staircase

The bad man lies very still for a second time this day

But this time, he will not get up

When Trenton threw him down the stairs

He broke his neck

Good for Trenton.

New words: Second, Staircase, Belly

Molly calls the police and an ambulance

The police and the ambulance come to help Trenton

The police tells Trenton that the bad man belonged to a very bad gang

And that they were glad that he is now dead

“How come you have sex already?” asks the police Chief

“Molly bought a dictionary” says Trenton with a painful smile

“Oh” says the Police Chief

“Oh” say the medics

The medics take Trenton to the hospital

Molly is glad, maybe she can have sex with Trenton in the hospital

She kisses Trenton before he goes inside the ambulance and wishes that he gets better real soon.

The police and the ambulance drive away taking Trenton to the hospital

New words: Ambulance, Gang, Medics, Hospital, Painful

A man in the crowd watches what happened

He is the bad man’s friend.

He knows that Trenton is at the hospital

He knows that Molly will be all alone

No new words:

End of part 1